Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

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“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent


I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season


I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.


Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.


[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.


“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”


Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check


I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in


Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…


We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.