“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“What aisle has the milk?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.