Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled