@weinerdog4life

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

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@markydoodoo

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

@UncleDuke1969

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

@UnFitz

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

@lakeanagirl

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

@FlyJ_

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

@ElgatoEsmio

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!