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Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Mhm.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
What about a To-Don’t List?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.