I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“Tell me one of your long term goals”
“No, I meant-”
*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Female without the vowels is ‘FML’.
Need I say more?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.