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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
wishing you and yours all the best
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Legend 🤣🤣
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Cucumbers Anonymous
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.