Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.