@enclaire

Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.

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@sixfootcandy

Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.

Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.

@phalguy

?dishes
?laundry
?vacuuming
?dusting
?me

*Things that won’t get done today.

@KrunkedRobot

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

@DaddyJew

Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife

@marcodas146

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

@MelvinofYork

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

@FunnyMojoJojo

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

@badtweetist

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

@Tommytoughstuff

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”