i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”