Him: omg you showered!
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.
You Might Also Like
Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers “smooth criminal” and moonwalks away
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Dealer: You followed?
Geologist: No man. Its cool.
*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out
Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss
Me: So you’re from Italy?
Sean: Oh yeah. Whole family. If there’s such a thing as too much Italian…
Me: I hear ya. Hey just curious, the family all has super Italian names, what’s with yours? … Sean?
Sean: … it’s short for Parmesean.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here