Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.

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Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers “smooth criminal” and moonwalks away


[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry


shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!


Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.


FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious


Dealer: You followed?

Geologist: No man. Its cool.

*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out

Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss


Me: So you’re from Italy?

Sean: Oh yeah. Whole family. If there’s such a thing as too much Italian…

Me: I hear ya. Hey just curious, the family all has super Italian names, what’s with yours? … Sean?





Sean: … it’s short for Parmesean.


Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here