Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.
Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.
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*Things that won’t get done today.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”