Born to be mild.
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
old twitter is back baby
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.