Born to be mild.
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH