BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”