Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?