Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

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“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair


When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.


GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-


If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house


I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.


when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie


HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?