Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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Don’t we all.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend