Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Sing it!
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.