My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
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my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[First day as a beaver]
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays