@adamhess1

Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes

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@online_rat

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

@papasuncle

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

@TitansHomer

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

@BuckyIsotope

Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line

@Gennefer

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

@SondraDeeMe

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays