Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes

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‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed


“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”


What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.


“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
*walks by stable*


If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?


wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well


When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card


Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.