He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…