“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.