Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.