@SortaBad

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

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@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

@buhsbaby_baby

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

@HatfieldAnne

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

@NotKevinSheedy

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

@CrockettForReal

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

@StevieKnip

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

@thepaulahunt

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@tastefactory

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.