Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*

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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.


Yes, I have read ‘Game Of Thrones’.
No, It is not any different from the show.

-Me, after watching Game of Thrones with subtitles.


I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.


Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?


I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?


Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling


“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums


Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.