‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
how I’ve been all holiday
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.