Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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Squash
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one