[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her