chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.
You Might Also Like
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.