@Shingaboop

Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.

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@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@david8hughes

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

@TheZachCozad

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

@DevilryFun

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

@tomrrllc

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

@SteveSuckington

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

@seamussaid

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

@Love_bug1016

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.