A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.
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HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.
My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.
*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*