If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.
I don’t make the rules sorry
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK