Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
That’s not how days work.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
*pronounces bondage like corsage.