boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it