boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]

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If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?


I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.


Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.


Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.


I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.


I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team


The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.


90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.