@GrantTanaka

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

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@Stevie___C

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

@bngzyface

Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.

@mstluvstrinkets

Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.

@megfraser

I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

@robfee

I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@E_lok44

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.