Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Dammit Chief not again
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost