@jazz_inmypants

BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question

BOSS:

ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank

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@bobvulfov

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

@KeithAshers

Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.

@michaelianblack

There’s probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys “as a joke.”

@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

@sofarrsogud

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

@BoomBoomBetty

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

@Mehrwane

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.