@jazz_inmypants

BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question

BOSS:

ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank

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@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

@DepressedDarth

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.

@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

@sixfootcandy

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

@PajamaStew

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

@girl_a_whirl

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

@70Ceeks

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

@platinum2000

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone