KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
BOSS: can i ask u a question
ME: you just did
ME: because that was a question
ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.
BOSS: why are u in the fish tank
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me
Witch doctor? -reception
Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me
Please sit down.
There’s probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys “as a joke.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.