Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
You Might Also Like
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]