Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.