Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
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Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?
Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-
She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.
I know this now.