Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy