Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

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Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.


Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.


Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.


England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.


I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.


Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.


Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.


Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit


sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers


When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.