BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You Might Also Like
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018