@mortimermaiden

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

You Might Also Like

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

@joynessthebrave

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

@daemonic3

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@meganamram

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@StranDadAbroad

Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…

“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”