Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.


Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?


It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?


“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”


Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?


Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…

“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”