Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Are we there yet?…
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*