Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
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Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
These 3D printers are insane!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”