boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
But is it really??
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.