@: boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
@InternetHippo: “Are you on linked in?”
Me (lying): yes
“Are you on Twitter?”
Me (lying): no
@vikkaroni: Job interview
HR: What's your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
@JohnLyonTweets: Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
@SteveKoehler22: Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ....
The thief is spending less
than my wife did.