boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
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Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.