Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
You Might Also Like
Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I’ve never felt more beautiful.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I’m 30 and should be at work.
Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.