BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*


Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I’ve never felt more beautiful.


The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.


I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.


why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone


I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I’m 30 and should be at work.


Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.


back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to


When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”


As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.