boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I told my vodka about you.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)