boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
they really do be looking like this
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf