boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Does this dress make me look cat?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit