boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.