Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
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No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand