@armyVet1972

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

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@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@ArfMeasures

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

@ErinChack

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

@SunshineJarboly

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

@wesleybordelon

Me: Can I have a quickie?

Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.