Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
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ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: Can I have a quickie?
Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.