Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.