Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
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Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
What’s so funny?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity