English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal
ME: Here she comes.
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Lassie, get help!
Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.
If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
Why would they add “twerk” to the dictionary? People that would use said word can’t read.