[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
where do you see yourself in five years?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
How to make infinite energy.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Merry Christmas
We found love in a hopeless place.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.