@AmberTozer
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
@murrman5
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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@AmberTozer
@AndyAsAdjective
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
@jdbalani
The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
@jrhennessy
Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal
@UncleDuke1969
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
@junejuly12
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
@causticbob
Lassie, get help!
@KenJennings
Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.
@just1fool
If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
@TheMichaelRock
Why would they add “twerk” to the dictionary? People that would use said word can’t read.