@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

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@AmberTozer

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@jdbalani

The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

@jrhennessy

Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

@junejuly12

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

@KenJennings

Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.

@just1fool

If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.

@TheMichaelRock

Why would they add “twerk” to the dictionary? People that would use said word can’t read.