@JohnLyonTweets
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
@murrman5
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
You Might Also Like
@JohnLyonTweets
@MarieColette
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.
~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
@ItsAndyRyan
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
@stephenjmolloy
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
@notalogin
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
@Soren_Ltd
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
@McNarstle
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
@ramblinma
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.