Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.