Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
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If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
what kind of cook setting is this??
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?