boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
You Might Also Like
I don鈥檛 understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She鈥檚 stuck at work again.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I鈥檒l only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can鈥檛 quite believe they are outdoors and can鈥檛 fathom how they鈥檝e gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It鈥檚 like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 馃槒
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I鈥檝e noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?