boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real