Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.