Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.