@Rollinintheseat

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

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@MissBamantha

Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”

@Parker_Simpson

Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about

@trojansauce

[interview]

“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”

*whispers*

“sorry i couldn-”

I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

@Douchekevin

When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.

@fro_vo

hard to believe marijuana was born 420 years ago today

@Bez

How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

@ASpiker

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?

@AskinWayne

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today