Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”
Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about
“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”
“sorry i couldn-”
I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.
A bad carpenter blames his tools and goes into the messiah business.
hard to believe marijuana was born 420 years ago today
How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today