@jonnysun

boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds

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@WheelTod

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

@susafrican420

white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt

@3sunzzz

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

@brendohare

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

@hippieswordfish

*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@notittryagain

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?