In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea