If Hillary wins in 2016, it’s gonna be a huge year for shoulder pads
boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
*swells with pride*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?